Many of us try to put a little spice into our bedrooms. However, some of these animals would give humans a run for our money (while a couple would probably be arrested).
There’s strangling, free love, blowjobs, electroshock, and more…
GIRAFFES ARE INTO WATER SPORTS
For those who don’t know, water sports = playing with urine.
When the giraffe male finds a suitable female, he bends over, nudges her backside with his head … and drinks her urine.
While we’re saying, “Ewww” the chemicals he’s tasting tell him whether she’s in heat or not.
But wait. It gets better.
He’ll follow the female around as she walks away from his ENORMOUS ERECTION. After some leg kicking and more following, she’ll stand still long enough for him to mount … and ejaculate in seconds.
After, a few more ten-second-man maneuvers, he’ll romp of for some male-on-male sex.
HIPPOS ARE INTO SCAT
While we’re on the topic of bathroom stuff, why not look at number two.
Even humans have a thing about, “this is my space.” We put signs up on our doors or create man-caves. The male hippo poos everywhere … and then flicks it with his tail to send it flying further and making his area bigger.
The female, in turn, shows her interest by raising her rear end and giving him her own “submissive dung shower” and flicking it everywhere.
GARTER SNAKES ARE INTO GANGBANGS
And not only gangbangs, but lying while doing it…
When one female garter snake is ready to mate, watch out! Because a PILE of males will gather on top of her, all wanting to get in on that action. While male competition isn’t anything surprising, some boy snakes will give off a similar scent as a female.
Why would a dude pretend to be a girl while a bunch of other dudes are pressed against him?
There are three theories. First, he’s trying to trick the males into wasting sperm and avoiding aggression from dominant males. Second, they are doing it to be at the bottom of the pile and stay warm. Third, they’re trying to protect themselves from other predators who like snatching and eating the boys on the top.
FUN FACT: these mating balls get so big, that it’s become a huge tourist spectacle in some national parks.
GRUNION FISH ARE INTO MASOCHISTIC BUKAKKE
Being covered in sperm (in porn we call it bukkake – think like a pearl necklace but over the whole body) shouldn’t be surprising for fish. After all that’s how they all fertilize the laid eggs; by swimming over them and ejaculating.
What makes the Grunion fish extreme is how the female swims up onto shore and buries themselves in the wet sand until the males can cover the area in white, gooey, baby-making juice – all the while not being able to breath … for hours.
LOBSTERS ROOFIE ROOFIE THEIR MATES
Male lobsters are extremely aggressive – with the alpha/dominant male going into all the other lobster homes every night and kicking the crap out of them just to remind them who’s boss.
The females apparently love this “macho” behavior. They also know that Mr. Lobster is more interested in being a dick than using it. So, she follows him home (in a totally non-stalker way) then proceeds to urinate around him … sometimes for days.
The pheromone-laced urine calms the male until he’s ready to get down to business. Another species that likes pee.
Oh, and porcupines too. They like the yellow stuff.
FEMALE OCTOPUS WILL STRANGLE
A little auto-erotic asphyxiation, anyone?
In truth, it’s less erotic and more dangerous. So dangerous, that males tend to try and mate with their “penis arm” at as far a distance as possible – sometimes surprising her from behind and jumping on her head.
All of this is to avoid her wrapping her tentacles around him and squeezing him to death.
WALRUSES AND ELEPHANT SEALS DO IT ROUGH
It’s all about domination and flexing your animal muscles. And both these species do it to the extreme.
There are no love bites here. Fights and full-on body brawls can deliver some lasting damage to all others around them – even to the point of death. Elephant seals even go as far as banging everything they can – from males to pregnant females to pups.
FRUIT BATS GIVE FELATIO
Scientists have found short-nosed fruit bats are one of the few species the get in on some of that mouth-to-genital action. In fact, for every 15 seconds of sex, the male bat will lick his lady for around 2.5 minutes, then wash, rinse, repeat.
Even the females will jump into the 69-train, with the idea being they are either checking compatibility through tasting his pheromones/chemicals, keeping him unavailable for other females, or just keeping him clean.
BUPRESTED BEETLES BOTTLE SEX
Okay, boys … we all know you’ve at least used your hand, but what about a pocket pussy or Fleshlight?
At least when humans use sex toys, we know it.
The problem with this poor Australian beetle doesn’t know the difference between a female and their brown, shiny shell, and the brown beer bottles tossed on the side of the road. The even bigger problem, is that the males seem to prefer the bottles (maybe because it’s easier?) and will pile on one rather than the living option.
On top of it all, OTHER creates have figured it out – for example, ants. They’ll wait around these bottles until a horny male comes along and then pile on him and eat him. The result is an actual threat of extinction.
Is it just me or does this sound like a parallel in the debate between humans and sex robots?
HERMAPHRODITIC FENCING
Ocean flatworms have both male and female parts. So how do they know who ends up carrying the kids?
They whip their penises out and have a good old-fashioned sword fight, complete with stabbing. The loser is the one to spend the extra energy reproducing.
Similarly, sea slugs will have a similar battle. However, theirs involves trying to stab each other in the head and ejaculating – therefore making the loser think they are female. Ugh.
BONOBOS PRACTICE FREE LOVE
Get into a disagreement? Have sex. Want some food? Have sex. Want to be friends? Have sex.
Want sex? Have sex.
This “humping solves all problems” is no wonder why this primate family is one of the most peaceful in nature. Nearly everything they do involves some sort of sexual act – from tongue kissing to mutual masturbation.
DOLPHINS AND ELECTROSHOCK
We already know dolphins are ridiculously horny creatures – engaging in gay sex while young to establish friendships and sexual “wing-men”, keeping females away from other gangs until she is sexually ready, and having recreational sex to reduce stress.
The oddest fact is one way they masturbate (aside from down the bodies of decapitated fish – yes, there’s a video of this) …
With eels.
Yep. Live, writhing eels wrapped around their penis. And, rumor has it, sometimes electric eels.
Want other weird, but can’t-stop-reading articles? Check out:
Understanding Pimple Popping Fetish
Japanese Fetish Party – Department H Tokyo
Have you stumbled across any other interesting, kinky, or weird, animal mating facts? Share in the comments so we can all be disturbed together.
