Adult x-rated parties can be intimidating events. But this simple sex party tips guide will help you navigate the steamy waters so you can sit back and enjoy – or whatever position you prefer.
FIRST THINGS FIRST
Despite what people might think, finding kinky parties really isn’t that difficult.
It’s getting into them that (for the most part) requires some work, especially if you’re new to the scene and are unaware of the protocol.
You’re going to find yourself sitting on the outskirts – much like an awkward teen at the school dance trying to figure out how to ask the hot girl/guy to dance. And it might not be because it’s a bright, new, scary world for you. Perhaps you’ve moved to another country, even just a new city.
Regardless, the rules stay the same…
You need to prove you’re not a weirdo (at least the bad kind).
Despite what far too many people might think, these are not places where any randy individual can walk in, pick the first warm body, and do whatever they want. They are gatherings where people can shed their outer facades, relax, and be their truly kinky-self without judgment or danger. They are safe havens. And what they don’t want is someone barging in with no respect.
“I promise I’m not a creep. How do I get in?”
The first step is a simple one…
SEX PARTY TIPS: JOIN A MUNCH
These are relaxed, vanilla gatherings of like-minded people (whether BDSM, fetish, swingers, etc.) in some public place, often a restaurant or pub. They are the heartbeat of the community and the best place to find out about upcoming events.
Clothing is normal, everyday wear – no fetish or over-the-top sexy. If you’re not sure, just wear what you would put on for a nice night out to the movies or dinner. There are also no scenes or playing, so don’t expect anything to happen. At most, someone might try some teasing, but it still needs to be consensual.
You go there, mingle, hang out, and talk. It’s where you let your personality shine through and have your name be known among the regulars. Join a couple of those and you’ll most likely get an invitation to another event.
“Where can I find these magical places?”
Word of mouth is a common method, but if you don’t have any kinky friends in-the-know, the internet is your best friend.
Here are some examples…
SEX PARTY TIPS: SIGN UP ON SITES LIKE FETLIFE
Unfortunately, this social networking group gets a bad rap.
It’s SUPPOSED to be a networking site for people to discuss relevant topics, chit-chat, have a public profile that lets people know what you’re about and what you like, and announce events.
Unfortunately…
Every barrel has the inevitable bad apples that drag down the reputation of all the other apples around it. You can get the “bad” pervs and abusers … or worse – the ones that don’t think the rules apply to them, don’t respect the people around them, and just use the site to find free sex or someone to slap around and ignore the safety word because they think “real” BDSM shouldn’t have such things.
See why people have munches, screening process, and references before an actual invitation?
The good news is there are plenty of decent, caring, delightful FetLife people who work hard to fight against bad members. These groups are the ones you want to get into. Search through Fetlife for parties in your area.
KASIDIE.COM
These are focused on swinging and even harder to get into if you’re a single guy – especially because a balance between male and female guests is crucial.
That’s why events often give significant discounts (if they even do admission at all) to women.
It’s easy to say “sex” and have a truckload of dicks show up.
Women are far more cautious and careful about what parties they attended. That’s why, if you’re a dude, you need to either:
A. Bring a female friend or…
B. Build yourself up within that inner circle
NOTE: the site may be free to join but there are extra fees for contacting couples directly etc. I think this is to help weed out people who aren’t serious
FETSTER.COM
I haven’t tried this one yet, but they do have an events page. I’m also assuming it has a similar vibe to Fetlife. If anyone has extensive experience, you can also drop me a line with what you’ve come across.
Despite the plethora of sexy or kinky apps that help people connect (KinkD, KNKI, Whiplr, or Kinster, just to name a few) there’s still a bit of reservation within the community towards this approach – mainly because they are only for finding people to do the act and nothing with safe discovery, supportive community, or education.
It’s not to say you shouldn’t try them, just be more careful where you end up going.
EXPLORE APPS
Despite the plethora of sexy or kinky apps that help people connect (KinkD, KNKI, Whiplr, or Kinster, just to name a few) there’s still a bit of reservation within the community towards this approach – mainly because they are only for finding people to do the act and nothing with safe discovery, supportive community, or education.
It’s not to say you shouldn’t try them, just be more careful where you end up going.
SEX PARTY TIPS: WATCH FOR PUBLIC PARTIES
These are just the straight-up kink clubs the operate either on weekends, bi-monthly, or monthly depending on a number of variables. In places like Tokyo, Berlin, and Amsterdam, there is always some sort of “pay to get in” party.
NOTE: not all of these are sex-acceptable events. Many of them are just kinky costume parties. Make sure you check their list of rules first.
If all else fails, type “Munch/kink/swingers/sex party in [insert city here]” and see what you come up with – just make sure to be safe.
SEX PARTY TIPS: THE ETIQUETTE
We’ve already covered Munches, but what about the straight-up sex-possible events?
1. Do your research
There’s a large variety out there, so, either find their website or contact the organizer directly so you can learn more.
2. Follow the rules
Look at their website or contact the organizer to learn the dos and don’ts … and follow them – things like attire, items or guests you can bring, the type of play, etc. If you’re not comfortable with the rules … simple … don’t attend. There are a million more out there.
3. Tend to hygiene!
We’re talking shaved, waxed, plucked, southern man-scaped, perfumed, cologned, hair washed, body washed, stocking with no runs, clothes prepped, teeth brushed etc.
Treat it like an epic first date, because, sorry, no one’s gonna wanna play with Rank-Richard or Stinky-Sally. This includes making sure your undies aren’t the ones you wear on a Sunday while watching Netflix.
4. Stay sober
These are not places to get raging drunk and throw up in the bathroom while crying about how much you love your friends. These people are mood killers, AND, more importantly, unable to give proper consent. One drink is fine, but any more and people probably won’t touch you with a 10-foot pole.
5. Know your boundaries.
Be keenly aware of what you are and are NOT comfortable doing. If it’s your first party, and you just want to talk or watch, then that’s all you have to do.
6. Know where to put your eyes
This one can be tricky for newcomers (mostly for BDSM clubs and less for swinger parties etc). There’s just so much going on and you might want to watch something.
Basically, if the area is a public space, and fun times are happening, it’s a clear, open invitation to watch. However, any spaces that are a bit more private are usually areas you shouldn’t go into and stare (without a direct invitation). This is a bit different for swinger parties, though. These usually mean pairing off with someone and doing your thing.
7. Be open-minded
You’re going to see a lot, and it might all be your cup of tea. Maybe seeing a guy sucking on a woman’s toes makes your stomach churn. In these cases, just look/move someplace else and keep your opinions to yourself. These are places for everyone. You don’t have to love everything, but you certainly shouldn’t judge or bring down the mood of the party.
8. Don’t touch what’s not yours
There’s an (often) unspoken rule at kink parties that you don’t touch other people’s toys or implements without permission, even if it’s just to take a peek out of curiosity. Just like people, you should ask first. This is to maintain a decent level of hygiene. No one wants to stick a vibe up their whoo-haw after someone’s been pawing at it.
If you are interested in adding a sex toy to things, just bring your own. Magic wands are always a good bet because they are showy (make sure you clean it when/if you change partners. You can also try an app-controlled toy for the wow-effect.
Want APP-CONTROLLED sex toys that will impress the party?
There’s something for everyone at Lovense
9. No Drama!
This goes for getting drunk, trashing stuff, not respecting people, yelling/crying that your man/woman kissed another member – whatever. It’s a surefire way to never be invited again.
10. Learn to take rejection with grace
With so many people, there will be a mix of what attracts you and what doesn’t. The same goes for other people. Maybe you take the plunge and ask someone to play. Maybe they say no thanks. Don’t get offended and make a big deal of things. It’s not a shot at your attractiveness or you as a person in general.
There are dozens of reasons why people say no, and not all of them are about you. S’ok. Just move on and try your luck with someone else.
CONSENT IS PARAMOUNT
There might be a small chance of an a-hole getting in, especially with “open to the public” parties. These individuals might pressure their targets into giving personal information, doing something, going somewhere, or just acting inappropriately toward people.
One of my articles about the Department H party in Tokyo has a detailed example you might want to read.
Check it out here. Hint: “If I see a booby, I touch a booby.”
If you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, just tell them you do not consent. Any normal, well-adjusted member will back off with no offense or drama.
If the person doesn’t get it, find a host or hostess (most of them will have someone in charge) and have them help take care of it. They are probably the ones that greeted you when you first came in. If the host or hostess isn’t around, use your safe word.
If that doesn’t work, YELL your safe word (if you don’t have one, just yell “RED”). ANY nearby Domme/Dom/Bouncer will be there in sections to help.
Need safe word ideas? Check out this article: Good Safe Words and Uses in Media
Stepping into the world of sex parties might seem like a lot of work, but it’s worth taking those extra steps to find a place you can truly relax and have fun.
Any other sex party tips you want to add? Share in the comments!
