There’s the stereotype of a guy in a bar asking to buy a drink for a woman (a heavy precursor to sex) and her flat out saying no … with the resulting hurt feelings after. There’s also those that start off polite but then turn into assholes/bitches the moment someone says “no thanks”.
Here’s the thing…
Yes, it hurts. But it’s not always about you.
REASONS FOR SAYING NO
- They could be feeling tired or really not in the mood for anything
- It might be their first time out after a breakup
- They might be with someone
- They might be on their period or a bladder infection
- Various health issues or medication that affects sex drive.
- They are just nervous and not ready
- Women are usually extra careful.
- Maybe they are there just to chill, that’s all
Then there is the “they’re just not into you” reason – which is the conclusion that many people jump to then add on layers of (oh, I’m not good enough for him/her and other negative thoughts).
COURAGE VS COMPASSION
Here’s where you can become the memorable person that someone else might remember or talk about in the future, as that “Guy/girl who made an advance, but when I said no, they smiled and said no problem. It was refreshing to have no pressure” person.
Yes, take the leap and ask for that drink and possible, if it feels right, move into the sex question. But, if the “no” comes, remember the possible least of reasons. After that, put yourself in their shoes. Imagine someone comes up and they want sex with you but (for whatever reason) you don’t feel like it. Wouldn’t you want someone to just smile and leave with no drama?
SEXUAL REJECTION IN KINK PARTIES
This is a beast unto its own.
It’s also different for each country (which could be an article all on its own).
In BDSM/Kink parties or clubs, there is the obvious overtone of “more sex happens here” – which comes with an interesting set of rules and nuances. Any respectable sex club will make the “no means no” rule very clear and have zero tolerance for those who break the rule. They also shouldn’t allow aggressive or passive-aggressive (or just negative behavior in general) after a “no”.
Also, I hear many men complain about having to pay extra to get in if you’re single. But take it from someone who has organized these parties…
Anything kinky and they come in flocks with their dicks out and ready – thinking it will just be a room full of women who will all immediately say yes. Women are more careful, for obvious reasons. They want a safe environment, and if they feel like a piece of meat on display, they probably will have their guard up.
This is why they go with a friend or group. This is why women get in cheaper because it’s difficult to get them in the door in the first place. After that, they are still on their guard.
It’s also an issue in certain places and can even vary from city to city.
Or, if it’s a place that draws an international crowd, then you’ve got a mix of people who have different ideas or even upbringing on the ideas of sex and consent. Some might see a woman on her own as an automatic “yes” and move in. Some might always take a rejection personally because of ego. Some might come from places that have ZERO concept of sexual respect and consent.
It’s a navigation of murky waters.
It’s also an environment where people will stay with those they feel safe with and the offer of going with someone they don’t know is an immediate “no” just for safety reasons.
HOW TO DEAL WITH KINK PARTIES
Non-aggressive forwardness (straight up asking) is usually the best course. Lace it with politeness etc. Also, talk to them a little first.
- “Hi, I’m so-and-so. Would it be okay with you if I sit here? Can we chat?”
- “I’m quite attracted to you. Would you be interested in some kind of play?”
- “Is there anything you absolutely don’t want me to do?”
- “Would you like to join me and my friends? No pressure.”
Give the other person the control. Make sure they know a “no” will not come with any negative consequences. It’s not always about you. Even if it is, it’s not something to take to heart. You’re allowed to pick what you prefer, so are they.
ARE THERE BAD APPLES?
Oh yeah, there are plenty of them everywhere. No matter how nicely or carefully you ask, you’ll get a “fuck off perv” or something. Again, this could be for many reasons. Perhaps they’ve had a bad evening and many people have been hitting on them all night and making them feel uncomfortable. Perhaps you’re the (unintended) straw the broke the camel’s back. Don’t add more negativity to their evening – just like you wouldn’t want more in yours.
Also, they might just be a bitch/asshole. In that case, stay classy. Take the upper road and say “no problem” and leave without a fuss – all the while, inside, thanking that you’ve dodged a bullet.
Want more interesting or useful articles? You might enjoy these…
- National Awkward Moments Day – The Sex Collection
- 7 Days of Birthday Sex – 23 Ideas For An Unforgettable Week
- 20 Reasons There’s Pain During Sex – For Woman and Men
Any other advice you want to add? Share in the comments!
