‘Tis the season for holly jolly Christmas underwear that will either make you giggle with amusement or question if people buy these to actually use or just because they’re so very cray-cray.
However, while I was scrolling through the endless void of green and red, I noticed a distinct set of categories appear (at least ones that made sense in my mind). Let’s take a look.
Also, I’ve saved my absolute favorites for the very end.
CATEGORY 1 – JUST MAKE IT FESTIVE
Okay, let’s start with the fairly “tame” Christmas underwear. I’ve found that these ones are just undies with some sort of festiveness slapped onto them in some way – usually in the form of prints, color changes, or trim. You’ll see these most in women’s lingerie. They’re the ones that are the same racy undergarments but in red with white feathers and puffs or whatever.
There’s nothing wrong with these. They are often the ones that most people buy for a bit of holiday fun. However, I do question whoever was making the last pair. They look more like male diapers than anything. But maybe that’s the goal? A little Xmas age play? I also wonder if the placement of the fuzzy balls was strategic or just a measuring coincidence.
CATEGORY 2 – JINGLE JANGLE FOR YOUR JUNK
, why not dive into the deep end with the stuff that I like to categorize as “weird decorations for your junk.” This grouping has to characteristics that shouldn’t come as any surprise. First, most of the Christmas underwear here is for guys. I guess it’s just easier to dress up a ding-dong in creative ways. Second, most of it is found on Etsy with an extra dash on Aliexpress.
You’ll also notice that there are way more knitted and crocheted options out there than one would think. And I’m trying not to picture a sweet little old lady knitting a dick cozy like the first picture. Still, they’re good for a joke gift or a laugh (or some really kinky stuff that we wont just anyone for).
CATEGORY 3 – DIRTY WORDPLAY
Next are the dirty word panties. These are just Christmas underwear with some sort of naught play on words. They’re standard underwear that you usually choose what prase you want and it’s printed (so the company saves money on stock). For the holidays you’ll see things revolve around cum-white, eating something, giving or getting gifts, balls and bells, etc.
You’ll also notice that after a while you’ll pretty much see that there are a handful of phrases that ALL these company use. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing – just something that exists. So, if you want your partner to read “I’ve been a bad girl, now fill me with presents” you’ll have a good chance of finding a thong with that print.
CATEGORY 4 – ACTUAL CLEVERNESS
Finally, we’re on to the Christmas underwear that I actually found to be genuinely funny or clever – things that a jaded person like me felt a spark of excitement at the prospect of gifting to wearing. Also, as a side note, you’ll notice I haven’t put any product links.
This is because, through years of past experience, I find that stuff like these expires quickly. So you would probably find a 404 far sooner than the actual product. If you really want a pair featured in this article, just type in something that describes the pair you like. Or, even better, do a web image search (left click). Yes, it’s more work for you, but it will last longer down the line.
Christmas Vacation (1989)
My family watched this movie religiously every year during Christmas. Even if we were younger, our parents let the dirty comments and crude jokes slide for that one day a year.
So, when I saw this “Bend over and I’ll show you” scene printed on a pair of panties, I died laughing. If you haven’t seen it, and are into silly comedy, watch the movie!
Christmas Balls
Okay, okay. I know I said things with dangling balls were overdone. But this drawing of a tree with Christmas ornament nipple clamps was just too frigging adorable that I broke through the walls of boring that I had been researching all day long. The look of sparkling joy on all their faces is also just too precious.
So, if you have someone who’s into that sort of thing, totally find these boxers (but I don’t know if there are panty versions).
Summoning Santa
I get Nightmare Before Christmas vibes from these panties. I like the combo of occult and holiday cheer mixed together. It’s not something you see in most products. This is why I gave it its own feature.
I’m also thinking it would work from Halloween and on – if you’re someone who is a stickler about their holiday undergarments.
So, there you have it! Some silly (and a few creative) Christmas underwear that has either entertained you or spurred you to buy something for someone. And if anyone wants to gift me something, I’ll take the Christmas Vacation pair!