It’s that time of year again – for you to break out your carving instruments to make some inappropriate Jack O Lanterns.
And while other wholesome families are putting out cute squashes with happy faces or stereotypical “scary” grins, why not crave something that will make people stay away from your doorstep and save yourself money on candy?
Although, on a serious note, best not to put these in places where kiddies can see.
Here are 11 crazy pumpkin designs with completely random rankings and commentary that never stood a chance against the “humping unicorns” one I decided was officially the winner … because… unicorn sex.
Here we go!
Kinda Overdone
This one looks like some drunken frat house or a gaggle of roommates decided that after drinking two cases of Miller Genuine Draft, that a blow job pumpkin would be hilarious. And normally it would be … but this just feels lazy with a dash of 10-year-old humor. Plus, triangle eyes? Booooring.
2/10 (they got an extra point because they used pumpkin seeds and boy-juice-drops.
Movie Inspiration
A vagina with teeth… okay! Why not? There’s a movie about that after all. I’m not sure what the white bits are made of but the pubic hair is absolutely stellar. You might wonder if it’s just a case of mistaken vagina-identity and was imagined as a monster mouth, but there’s no ignoring the love bean right near the top.
+9 for extra elements, +3 for the pubes, +6 for the clit. 18/10.
Classy Boobies
OMG, she’s one pretty mermaid. It’s another example of what you can do with layer carving. I also don’t think it’s really that “inappropriate” but we all know at least one Karen who will freak out over the boobies.
+10 because it’s pretty, +5 for decent anatomy and shading. 15/10.
The Flasher
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. This is so cute … such a happy flasher. First, his smile is SO big, you can’t help but smile back. Second, the paper “coat” for some reason works really well. Third .. the squash penis. I wonder if this round guy is considered hung in the pumping world.
+9 for creativity, -5 for triangle eyes, +4 for a cool penis. 9/10!
Not For The Porch
Now we’re talking! I love carvings that use the color effects caused by different layers. Add to it a masturbating lady with awesome CFM boots, and it has my sexy seal of approval.
8 points for skill, -1 for weird anatomy twisted, +0.5 for giving her strands of hair. Sooo… 7.5.
Funny But Not Original
This is, in my opinion, a cookie-cutter template for “naughty pumpkins” across the world. You’ll see them everywhere – and I can see why, it’s just naughty enough without having the police being called on you. Points for having the stem in proper butt hole place and some single bills for extra effect (just don’t expect them to be there when the night is over).
4/10 for being “meh, bah, soook.”
Keep This One Inside
I looked everywhere for a clearer picture, but this is the only decent one. I think it’s blurry because whoever snapped the pic got nervous and ran away. I’m a bit concerned about the way this person placed the limbs. Either they are really freaky and limber during sex or the pumping flesh was being a pain in the butt.
+9 for doggy style, – 7.6 for weird positioning, +2 because reasons. 3.something. Shut up. I failed math class.
Mud Flap Girl
It’s those mud flaps that used to be a “thing” but now they are a bit cliche? I thank that’s what the shape is meant to be. Or it’s a standard “girl in beach pose” or something. I think they tried to carve a tiny nipple in there. I also think they gave up on the feet.
4/10, no plus or minus points because I’m not impressed enough to type more.
50 Shades of Orange
OMG it’s a BDSM one. 20/10. No arguments or you get a flogging.
Seriously though, wow on the details. Her butt is a bit twisted and I get pains in the back just looking at the way she’s bent. Also, lesbian kink for the win! I like it. One of the more fun, inappropriate jack o lanterns.
A Tad More Effort
Okay … now THIS is a dick lantern. Hear me, frat boys we reviewed earlier?? Gotta love the vein along the shaft and small line defining the balls. The cum drips are fantastic. I am worried about the shape of the tip – that’s an indent I might go to the hospital for.
+14 for great carving, +1 for coolness, -2 for medical bills to check the tip. 13/10.
Yep, This Happened
Last but not least … Humping Unicorns. I really don’t need to say more. 100/10.
That’s all for now folks! But if you want more sexy Halloween stuff, check out the rest of the blog for more kinky stuff.
Which of these inappropriate Jack O Lanterns would you put on your front porch?
