For those of you who were brought up in a time or household where switches, belts, and wooden spoons were a common form of punishment, it’s understandable why the idea of spanking would be a total turn-off.
But let’s make a very important distinction:
There is an ENORMOUS difference between spanking, erotic spanking.
One makes you want to sprint away like an Olympic contender and call social services. The other makes you want to run towards the bedroom and scream that you’ve been a bad little boy/girl.
So, while you’re sitting there, backside tingling with anticipation or curiosity, let’s peel back the panties of this situation and have a peek…
THE CHEMISTRY AND PSYCHOLOGY OF SPANKING
Think of some other bedroom antics that create pain: pulling hair, running nails down the back, biting, etc.
They can hurt like hell (and often leave marks behind), so why do we savor the sensation?
The answer is simple.
When we’re stressed or in pain, our brains release A LOT of chemicals: endorphin, serotonin, melatonin, epinephrine, norepinephrine, and dopamine. And not just physical pain but emotional and social discomfort as well – all for the purpose of re-balancing our bodies and trying to make us feel good again.
One of the key players is dopamine, which is present in the body during pain AND pleasure.
Many agree this might be one of the reasons we can combine pain and pleasure in a single situation.
It’s like running until your muscles flip you the middle finger but reveling in the exercise “high”. It hurts like hell, but, goddamn it, it feels good too!
Another fun fact comes from Basic Orgasm 101…
Sexual peaks are (in part) achieved when blood flow increases and collects in key hot spots or erogenous zones.
The act of spanking can add another element of pleasure because the posterior is plentiful with nerves and right next door to the genitals. Strikes and slaps send waves and ripples through the skin and stimulate this fun area.
There are also emotional and psychological aspects of pain and pleasure.
- Submission – giving up control to another person
- Humiliation – a form of psychological pain
- Sexual objectification – the sexual value of the body as an object
- Role-playing – participating in sexual fantasies
Now that we understand why, let’s look at the HOW.
PREPARING THE PADDLE
There is much to do before someone should even tug on panties or boxers.
1. Bring up the subject
With all healthy BDSM practices, communication is key.
Unless you’ve established ground rules beforehand, diving into Happy Slap Land is not an option.
If your partner is more to the vanilla side or spanking hasn’t been integrated into your sex arsenal, there’s doubly more preparation involved.
Whether you do this carefully or bluntly depends entirely on you and your significant other. Hopefully, your relationship already includes talks about sexual preferences or desires. If so, you can try something like, “I hear a lot about spanking. I wonder what it would be like?” or “I’ve always wondered about (insert erotic fantasy here)”
If your partner is already experienced in the world of kink, it might be as simple as, “God, I would love if you spanked me.”
Next, comes the ground rules. After all, this kind of antics lands well past “light play”.
2. Safe Words
No matter what kind of kink you are into, you should have a safe word.
Why? When we are role-playing, sometimes “No”, “Don’t”, or “Stop” are part of the fantasy. However, if someone yells “PINEAPPLE!” it’s a very clear signal that play needs to stop.
If you’re not sure what word to choose, it can be anything that you normally wouldn’t say, something easy to remember that pulls people out of the elation and makes them re-focus.
Many couples opt for the “traffic light” system:
- Green = Give me more! I love it!
- Yellow = I’m nearing my limit. Something needs to be adjusted
- Red = STOP ALL PLAY!
In which case, the dominant should obey, immediately see to any emotional/physical needs or problems, and communicate with their partner.
WARNING: someone who does not respect a safety word, is NOT someone you should play with. Healthy BDSM play should always involve respect from both sides.
Want some other safe word ideas? Check out this article:
Good Safe Words and Uses in Media
3. With great spanking comes great responsibility
If you are the “Top” in this delightful situation, you shouldn’t only focus on that delicious bum. You need to pay attention to their whole body.
Are they squirming like a happy worm or squirming like a worm who isn’t enjoying the experience?
It can take time to learn your partner’s pain thresholds and familiarize yourself with their reactions. If you’re not sure, it’s OKAY to ask things like:
- “Are you alright?”
- “Do you like it?”
- “Do you want it harder or softer?”
Communication is key, and it’s perfectly acceptable to tell each other what you like or don’t like.
GETTING THE SCENE READY
This includes anything that makes the environment and experience as pleasant as possible for both parties (including your frame of mind).
Turn off the phone
Nothing pulls someone out of the mood more than Mexican Hat Dance blasting through the room while you’re propped against the table with your underwear around your ankles.
Take it off
This means all rings, watches, bracelets, etc. Hitting with those is NOT fun, and nobody wants an imprint of your college football ring on their ass.
Prepare any tools
If you haven’t filled your toy chest yet, there are lots of things around the house that work just fine (spatulas, rulers, paint sticks, elastic bands, hairbrushes, etc).
Of course, you will use your hands, but different tools give different sensations and there might be a couple in there that drives him/her wild. Try paddles, floggers, whips, or canes.
NOTE: make sure you practice with them ahead of time – on a pillow is best.
Don’t forget that blindfolds, restraints, even ball gags can be added into play to spice things up even more. However, if you use a ball-gag, verbal communication won’t be possible. You will have to agree on a non-verbal form of a safe word.
A FUN THING TO TRY: Make one partner get things ready while the other watches. Sit back with a non-alcoholic refreshment while your “spankee” scrambles to make things perfect. OR, The “spanker” could slowly put things in place while their partner sits, lies down, even kneels while awaiting the act. Anticipation can be just as sexy as the act itself.
Erotic Spanking falls within the BDSM category. Learn more here:
What is BDSM? Essential Concepts for Beginners
LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION
Will you begin with a hot and heavy make-out session on the sofa or grab them by the hair, pin them to the table, and go straight to business? Do you prefer the comfort of the bedroom or is the coffee table a sexy spot? Maybe restraints are on the menu.
Whether bent over furniture, on the bed, or over your knee – anywhere is acceptable as long as both of you are comfortable and the spanker can reach key areas with ease (pillows are great for propping things up and giving support).
You also don’t have to stay in one place the entire time. Different positions will stretch or relax the skin, making each slap a different sensation.
STRETCH BEFORE RUNNING
We should always warm-up before exercising, and the same goes for spanking. Begin with light caresses, kisses, or a massage.
When you are sure his/her ass is ready, start with some light slaps. This will get the blood flowing, skin ready, and muscles relaxed, which is essential to a pleasant experience.
Nothing ruins the moment more than going too hard and too fast.
Another thing to keep in mind is WHERE ON THE BODY to spank.
Always, ALWAYS, keep to the “meatiest” part of the bum (the lower part) – anywhere else risks damage and can be considered outside the “safe, sane, and consensual” rule.
There are a couple areas away from the golden zone that are acceptable, but you should never spend too much time there, be extra cautious, and avoid using too much power. See the picture below for a better idea.
When the backside is nice and pink, then it’s time to break out the big guns and really make them squeal with delight.
NOTE: Many rules still apply when you use spanking as a BDSM punishment.
Punishment Spankings not your cup of tea? Get other ideas here:
ONE SPANK, TWO SPANKS, THREE SPANKS, MORE!
You’ve just passed Erotic Spanking 101. You now have the know-how and tools to go forth and fill the world with pink bottoms.
HAND POSITIONS
Open palm with fingers together, open palm with fingers spread, cupped hand, fists. All of them create different sensations but remember to watch your partner’s reactions and adjust accordingly.
STINGS (SPEED & SURFACE)
These are shallow strikes felt on the surface of the skin which come from fast movements confined to a small area. These burn and can leave behind lines and welts (if you do it hard enough). Toys can include canes, braided floggers, or anything that adds to velocity.
THUDS (FORCE & DEPTH)
These are deeper strikes over a wider area and the opposite of stings. They ripple right through the muscles but may leave bruises that last longer. Accomplished by: heavier paddles, mop floggers, thick straps, or the palm of your hand.
OTHER SENSATIONS
It doesn’t have to be something out of a corporal punishment scene – like a bad student bent over the teacher’s knee, getting a hard smacking for cheating on a test … although that can be fun too. Strikes can be mixed up with caressing, tickling, pinching, scratching, or (my personal favorite) grabbing a handful of ass right after a strike. Some paddles have a soft side you can run along the skin.
Try a rabbit fur flogger (their softness alone is orgasmic). If you’re using a hairbrush, run the bristle side along the skin.
RHYTHM
We can make all the jokes we like about percussion instruments, but spanking the derriere can be like playing the drums. Work with fast and slow strikes to change things and keep your partner on their toes (or back…or knees).
REMEMBER: And I will say this again and again — Watch them carefully. See what garners a positive reaction. They might exclusively prefer soft slaps, or they could revel in deep thuds. Some people enjoy a mix. Things can also change session to session.
Change is allowed. It’s all good.
AFTERCARE
There is a good chance you might want to jump into other “activities” after – you’ll both be turned on after all (at least if you’ve done it right). But never forget to close the scene with some aftercare.
Was it your first time or are you a veteran? What is a big session or a brief one? What kind of care you deliver depends entirely on the kind of session you just had. It could be anything from a long conversation about what worked and what didn’t (for both parties), to a quick kiss and cuddle.
Maybe they need some water, a bit of chocolate, some aloe vera, or muscle cream. Perhaps the only way they can come down from the body’s chemical high is good, long cry and you need to hold them close.
Nobody should ever just “walk away” from a scene.
A HANDY REVIEW LIST
THINGS TO DO
- Communicate before, during, and after
- Practice with your tools beforehand and on a pillow
- Test your tools on yourself to learn their intensity
- Choose a safety word
- Watch body language
- Deliver aftercare
- Have a medical kit on-hand
- Remember: it’s not about how hard you want to hit, it’s how hard they want you to hit
THINGS NOT TO DO
- Begin too hard too fast
- Hit too hard or frequently
- Play if someone has bleeding disorders or is on medication that affects bleeding
- Hit near the spine, kidneys, or other vital organs
- Overdo it – permanent damage is a no-no
ENDING ON AN IMPORTANT NOTE
Fear can often stop us from exploring the unknown, but don’t be afraid to try new things.
However, if you try something and don’t enjoy it, you do not have to do it again.
It’s not like choking back your mother’s cooking or enduring a crappy job – there’s no obligation to continue with something you don’t love.
Erotic spanking (and other kinky activities) might not be for you, and that’s okay.
If it is for you … your nights just got a whole lot hotter.
Anything you want to add? Share in the comments!