The key to a successful, safe, and comfortable is preparation. Here are ten things that will help you navigate your pre-scene hours so you can play with less stress.
1. COMMUNICATE
This can take place hours or days beforehand. Whether you use a Dom/sub checklist is up to you, your previous experience, the extent of the play, and how well you know your partner.
Either way, you need to be aware of each other’s limits (soft and hard), desires for how the scene will unfold, and other key information (like aftercare preferences, etc.)
2. CHOOSE SAFE WORDS
Part of your communication also should involve a verbal AND non-verbal safe word. These should also be reviewed just before play. And, yes, “stop” is a perfectly acceptable option (unless your scene involves a form of consensual non-consent).
Non-verbal safe words can include clapping, snapping, dropping things, tapping out, waving, or anything that would be “out of place” body language. One of mine is if the person is wearing a gag, and they can’t use their hands or body a patterned “Mmmm-Mmmm-Mmmm” sound is more than enough.
3. VISUALIZE
When you know all the details, I find it very helpful to find a quiet space, close my eyes, and imagine the scene unfold in my head. I think of what could happen, what could go wrong, how I would deal with it etc. This can include what I could say, orders I could give, and/or actions I would want to use.
If you have a short memory, you can also jot notes down and review them just before the person arrives. Also, it’s up to you if you follow your “script” step by step or just let it be a general outline and you let things unfold organically.
Also…
Always allow some flexibility within your scenes.
EXAMPLE – Maybe your partner was very eager when you were first communicating, but they had a very bad morning just before they arrived and are having trouble getting into a sub-mindset, or perhaps their energy is drained. It’s perfectly okay to adjust your plans – another reason I imagine as many scene variants as possible.
4. CHARGE STUFF
Nothing is more frustrating than having your sex toys run out in the middle of play (or worst, just before an orgasm – although edging and teasing is totally fun too).
Charge all your sex toys well ahead of time and be aware of their battery life. Also, make sure you give your buzzy friends their 6-month TLC.
PROTIP – If you have more than one toy, buy a charger with more than one USB port so you can juice several toys at once.
Want a POWERFUL sex toy that will make them squirm?
5. CLEAN ALL TOOLS
Always clean your toys before AND after each use. No exceptions. I don’t care how tired you are. This can be washing your sex toys or whipping down impact tools with rubbing alcohol etc.
Learn more here…
How to Care for Your Sex Toys – World Worship of Tools Day
6. CLEAN THE SPACE
Dirty play spaces are not sexy. They can also be tripping hazards – even burning hazards if you’re playing with candles or fire. Treat your sacred sex space like a shrine and keep it pristine (whether a bedroom or actual dungeon doesn’t matter).
7. LAYOUT ITEMS
You don’t want to have to rush back and forth between your cupboards (or other rooms) to get play items. Try to foresee what items you’ll need and lay them out so they are close at hand. This includes things for aftercare, water, emergency kit, and safety scissors (or other things to safely cut your partner out of bondage).
Personally, I lay out a bunching of toys and items, even if the sub hasn’t asked for them. I like having options just in case the mood changes.
Learn more about aftercare here…
BDSM Aftercare 101 – Ways to Care for Your Sub After Play
8. CLEAN YOURSELF
Both subs/bottoms and Doms/Tops need to clean before they arrive or start the session. Brush your teeth, shave (if necessary), put on appropriate clothing etc. Also, remove any jewelry or accessories and keep them in a safe place.
If there’s anal play, learn about clean here…
Guide on How to Clean for Anal Sex – With Cute Infographics
9. RELAX
Have a hot beverage, lie down, read a book, meditate, listen to music, watch porn. Do whatever you need to that helps get you in the right mindset. Nervousness or stress will just sap precious energy that could have been used during play.
IMPORTANT – Do not consume any alcohol (Dom or sub) before a scene.
10. HAVE A “SAFETY OUT”
This is more if you are unfamiliar with the person you’re playing with (or it’s your first time). Notify someone you trust to be nearby (in another room, down the hall, in the hotel lobby) while you play. This also shouldn’t be a secret from the other participant. Tell them you have someone on standby and they are welcome to do the same.
NOTE – Standby people aren’t just to ensure safety, they can be good additions to aftercare.
How do you prepare for a BDSM scene? Share in the comments so we can all benefit!
