Image by Espressolia from Pixabay
First, I want to premise that when I say “your BDSM journey”, it doesn’t need to involve whips and leather. It can be anything from mild spanking and a bit of dirty talk to full-blown scenes with every toy imaginable. So, don’t feel like you need to “be” anything besides what you’re comfortable with…
I think one of the scariest things that get into people’s heads, when they think about BDSM, is that if they try it … they HAVE to stick with it. And, this is so NOT true.
Kink, no matter what level you enjoy, is a journey. I’ve been exploring for ten plus years and here is what I’ve learned…
1. YOUR BDSM JOURNEY – IT’S ABOUT EXPLORATION
Your fetish practices (or whatever) will definitely change as time goes on. You’ll find new things you like and integrate them into play. You might become bored of other things and put them on the backburner for a while (and bring them back when you feel the desire). However, you might discover something you adore and spend many days or even years becoming a master. It’s all okay.
2. DEDICATION BALANCE
This one is a bit tricky. On one hand, you need to dedicate enough time to learning the safe practices of whatever you want to try. But, on the other hand, if it’s something you don’t like, you don’t have to keep doing it. Your partner might desperately want it, but if it’s a “hard limit” for you, that needs to be respected by others.
A common example is anal play.
You might be curious. You and your partner do the research, and then you give it a try. I might go well. It might be painful AF. Perhaps you try it a different way, go slower, use more lube. But in the end, if you don’t want it, that’s fine,
3. HEALTHY PRACTICES VS UNHEALTHY PEOPLE
I’ve found that these two ideas are incapable of coexistence. Someone with a good soul and respectful attitude will be able to play safely (and I’m not just talking about physical health, but mental/emotional/spiritual health too). They can make mistakes, but they take responsibility for them and learn to do better next time. Toxic, violent, and general dirt bags can use the BDSM world as their own twisted playground. They often use the “if you don’t do it this way, you’re not into BDSM” nonsense. Stay away from these people.
Example – At the beginning of one relationship, I asked for a year of monogamy from my partner – in order to recover from my divorce, spend time growing the foundation, establishing trust levels so we could move forward with a kinky lifestyle.
The result?
One year of him resenting me and punishing me with no sex and little affection. As well as spending all that time watching porn, masturbating, chatting up other women, and spending my money.
Just because someone says they are kinky, doesn’t mean they are healthy-kinky.
4. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BREAK THE BANK
You can have some fun toys without dumping your bank account into your toy chest. Granted, there ARE some devices that should be bought in higher quality (for safety), but I’ve seen some really cool things that are totally DIY – eg. nipple clamps from chopsticks and elastics.
5. YOU CAN TAKE A BREAK
Life is about happiness and balance. Just because you’re kinky doesn’t mean you have to be kinky all the time. Maybe life gets hard, maybe you have less free time, maybe your energy needs to go somewhere else. Whether it’s one month or a few years – it’s YOUR journey and YOU hold the control.
6. CLIQUES
Bad news, the cliques don’t stop at high school. We might put a nice word to it (like friend circle or pack), but if you’re going into a new city/scene/club, take some time to learn the players. I thought I found a supportive, healthy group of people to play with, but slowly, their behavior betrayed them and I ghosted them all.
7. YOUR BDSM JOURNEY – GHOSTS
I believe that when someone is bad for me, they don’t get any of my time or energy. That is your right. But, considering the BDSM scene is “small” in many places (everyone knows nearly everyone in some way or degree of separation), you will come across them at parties or events.
My advice?
Just ignore them. Focus on your friends and have fun.
Any other tips for you BDSM journey? Share in the comments!
