Prioridating is the newest romance “trend” – although I don’t personally like to call it a trend because that would imply the concept might fade away. Because this is a dating approach I can actually get behind.
But what exactly is it? And if we boil the entire concept down to its core, is it something that can still be relevant to a healthy and meaningful sex life? Let’s take a deep dive.
WHO STARTED PRIORITIDATING?
The term was first coined by dating coach, Laurel House – a relationship expert at eharmony.
“Prioridating is dating on purpose, the purpose being to find someone who fulfills the one most important thing you need in a relationship.”
Laurel House
Now, this might sound strange (even nonsensical) to many people. However, for anyone who’s been on dating apps (and I say this as someone who’s been there personally and tested them professionally), you’ll know it’s a general cesspool of the following…
- Scammers and bots trying to rip you off
- People who use others as “human toilet paper”
- Cheaters, liars, and heartbreakers
- General crazies
However, even if people managed to power through the infuriating twists and turns of the grand dating maze, there are still uncountable failed dates with those who don’t click or tick enough boxes.
But, apparently, that’s what everyone is doing wrong (at least according to Laurel House).
“Historically, many people have dated based on a list of wants – many of those wants being superficial or not thoroughly thought through – as opposed to core values and relationship-sustaining needs that will impact your future.”
Laurel House
SO WHAT EXACTLY IS PRIORIDATING?
Essentially, it’s sitting down and having an honest conversation with yourself about what’s the most important thing you need from a partner/relationship. One thing.
Now, stay with me here because even I was skeptical at first read. But then I did more research and finally understood the essence of House’s message.
Using an example from another article, let’s say what you need most is adventure. It’s the one thing you can’t do without in life and from whoever will be your soulmate. After you’ve made that the priority, you build your social life around nurturing that quality. For example, join groups that will help you meet other adventurous people.
However, you also need to prioritize one more important thing…
YOU.
Yep. It really boils down to self-care and self-love. So, if you need adventure, but laughter is important too, then you find ways to fulfill that need elsewhere. This can be from reading funny books or watching comedies. Perhaps you have a friend who’s a total comedian. If you need respect, look for ways of loving and respecting yourself.
That being said Prioridating does NOT include settling or not setting boundaries.
Let’s go back to the adventure part. If you need thrills and chills to be happy, that doesn’t mean you settle for someone who disrespects you regularly. Someone might be the best skydiver in the world, but that doesn’t mean you have to say yes and stay with them forever. It’s your life and your happiness, and you are allowed to say no.
And if I were to quote one woman I saw on one of those morning shows, “It’s about looking for what’s important and throwing away all the nonsense.”
WHAT’S NONSENSE & DOES IT INCLUDE SEX?
Well, let’s say someone has a dating list that includes things like “must be hot” or “must dress stylishly.”
Whether we like it or not, someone dressing to the 9’s every day is not essential to someone’s overall happiness. It’s nonsense. Studies have already shown that most men and women don’t really want a supermodel. They want someone that checks the most important boxes (even if they don’t consciously know it).
Look at this list and decide what you would personally choose as the top priority.
- Respect, kindness, loves travel, patience, they get along with your family, sense of humor, security, good in bed, maturity, honesty, same religion, easy communicator, same hobbies.
There’s no right or wrong answer for what you chose. But let me tell you my train of thought for my personal choice.
I used to think security was important. But then I found ways to make myself financially secure. I built my life to be independently functioning from a partner. Then, I invested in self-improvement and other ways to make sure I could take care of myself. I love to travel, so I took my first vacation alone and learned to love it. I now know I don’t need someone to go with me. Separate vacations would be fine. I have my own hobbies that I adore, and it’s okay if they have different ones.
In the end, I decided that RESPECT was my priority.
If they respect me, then kindness, love, honesty, etc., should naturally come with it. And if it doesn’t, then I don’t settle (as mentioned before).
And this is the essence of Prioridating. You learn to fulfill yourself as much as possible so you don’t rely on the other person to make you feel whole (which isn’t healthy anyways).
It’s a concept that’s been around for a long time, it’s just got a new, fancy name and set of instructions that are relevant to present-day thinking.
But what about sex?
Okay, let’s start with a well-known fact. A large percentage of women have not had a penetrative orgasm. I won’t throw in an actual number because it might have changed because the world is becoming more open about pleasure etc.
Also, with stress, depression, workloads, and whatever other burdens the world throws at us, sex might not even end up on some people’s radars. And for anyone who’s had kids, they can tell you there’s a definite period of time when sex is totally off the table.
Would you be miserable without sex versus without something like kindness?
What if sex IS important to you?
Well, let’s change the concept from sex to intimacy instead.
First, there are lots of ways to connect to your partner without getting in between the sheets. And, if maybe they’re just not that great in the sack, then why not try mutual masturbation or integrate sex toys? Have fun with adult board games, sensual massages, or those books that give you an “assignment a day” (but you don’t have to do them every day if you don’t want to). Maybe if you and your partner are more open, you can have an on-the-side sex buddy.
Over the past few decades, sex and passion have evolved to include so much more. So, if you find someone that fulfills your priority, but the sex isn’t that great, there are ways around it. Just like if the other person hated travel but you loved it, there would be ways to work around that as well.
No one is going to tick all your boxes. That’s just a fact.
But, it’s worth mentioning again, if sex is WAY up there in your needs, then you are allowed to say no and keep searching for someone else.
PRIORIDATING END THOUGHTS
After looking at all of this, the concept or prioridating really boils down to
- Choosing one quality you can’t live without
- Building your dating life around ways to meet people that will give you that quality
- Knowing what other important qualities you will set boundaries on
- Making peace with the fact no one will ever be 100% of what you want
- Learning to fulfill yourself in as many other ways as possible
- Throwing away the superficial nonsense
With this, you’re able to narrow down the pool of “maybes” from hundreds of duds on countless dating apps, to real people that could actually be your soulmate.
And yes, sex can be part of this if you want.
