As someone who has walked the packed streets of Akihabara, I know just what Japan can produce (and we’re not even counting the tame stuff we found in the TEN STORY SEX SHOP).
Amid the infinite sea of funny, kinky, and just plain bizarre, you can find …
STRANGE DILDOS
The “Monster Ikacle” (right image) looks like a cactus that should be growing out in some sort of jelly desert, whereas the Tentacle Penis Sleeve (left image) will turn your member to a sickly shade of gray with what looks like little mushrooms growing off the sides.
It also wouldn’t be the best of the bizarre if we didn’t at least give a nod to Hello Kitty. The country’s obsession with cuteness goes all the way into their vibrators.
But none of that compares to the Chissai Ojisan Tobikko Vibrator.
Based on an old urban legend of “Chiisai Ojisan” (小さいおじさん – translated as “small uncle”), this yokai (Japanese spirit) measures anywhere from 10 to 50cm and supposedly brings good luck (the eastern equivalent of a fairy or leprechaun).
Why would he look like a balding accountant?
A manga called “Chiisai Oyaji Nikki” (Diary of a Small Old Guy) put a new spin on the idea and changed him into a “salaryman”
NOTE: Salarymen are those guys that walk around with the same briefcase, dark suit, and overworked sheen about them – the stereotypical office worker.
Take all that, toss it into the sex toy industry, and you end up with The little uncle with the big dick.
HUG PILLOWS
Hug Pillows sound cute as hell, possibly something you might buy from IKEA. And, while the pillows themselves are nothing to raise an eyebrow at, it’s the COVERS that are an entirely different story.
On one side is some kind of scantily clad girl with her breasts bursting out of whatever shirt barely fits her, legs wide open and panties nowhere to be seen.
Turn it over and the girl is now on her hands and knees, ass in the air and looking back with hopeful eyes.
Did I mention they ALL look really sweaty and shiny – like they’re covered in lube, Vaseline, or … other things.
SALIVA TONGUE TEDDY BEAR
You know how everything can be made into porn?
It doesn’t take much of a leap to go from the beer-drinking, prostitute-loving bear from TED to something even raunchier.
And yes, I did manage to find the porn clip online.
However, when you actually see the result, it’s equal parts disturbing and hilarious – especially since it just looks like a Toys R’ Us bear with a gooey tongue shoved in the mouth and some guy off-camera with his dick stuck between its legs.
Considering it comes from the land of octopus porn, I guess it could be worse.
Oh, and about tentacle porn … while the genre itself is … um … unique, the history behind it is actually very interesting…
Learn more here about this porn genre here:
History of Tentacle Porn – Missionaries, Shunga Scrolls, and Censorship
ONAHOLE
You can’t walk five feet without tripping over some version of this male masturbation sleeve.
Seriously, they are EVERYWHERE.
Although the existence of pocket pussies aren’t a new thing (e.g. Fleshlight and Bad Dragon), they have the same problem as everyone else. “How do I make this different or special that people will buy it?”
Fleshlight does supernatural/monsters. Bad Dragon does dragon and other mythical creatures. Onahole does everything else.
Right from molds of famous Japanese pornstar’s vagoos to “elderly” woman’s vaginas. They even have “Hard Tentacle” ones – which pretty much look like a ribbed burrito with some crinkly French fries stuck in the hole.
Plus, just for giggles, add the ones that “pee”. Then there is whatever manga/anime character they can slap on the box.
BOOOOOBIES
It isn’t just vaginas that are getting copied. Boobs are fair game as well.
A 3D scan can get you just about any Japanese porn actress you can think of. They all, however, seem around the same size.
I guess Hitomi Tanka (who measures in at a 32JJ) didn’t feel like getting in on the action.
REALISTIC SEX DOLLS
Why settle for one body part when you can have the entire thing … sitting on your sofa … staring at you with those soulless dead eyes – probably biding its time until you’re comfortable and unaware of the fact it’s about to open your rib cage and harvest your organs so it can be a “real” girl.
My issue isn’t with sex dolls. It’s their perpetual existence within the Uncanny Valley that creeps me out.
BODILY FLUIDS
- Crossdresser tears lotion
- Young Mother Breast Milk lube
- Menstruation aroma
- Smell of a girl wrapped in a bath towel after shower “fragrance”
- Pee stain aroma
- Youngest sister aroma spray
- Mature teacher panties smell
- Schoolgirl uniform scent
Taken verbatim, right from the packing:
PRODUCT DESCRIPTION: “Cute Japanese high school student Nana’s menstrual cycle has been bottled up in this spray that you can apply to your favorite sex doll for extra realism and for when you want to get really kinky.”
I know these aren’t actually the real thing, just various waters and lubes with scents added … BUT HOW DO KNOW THE SMELL IS RIGHT?
And who tests it?
I guess if I HAD to choose one … maybe the pillowcases … maybe. The Chissai Ojisan Tobikko vibrator would be fantastic as a joke gift.
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Also, if you want more crazy sex/toy articles, check out the Featured Article section or these fun ones:
Have you seen any other super strange Japanese sex toys or novelties? Share in the comments!
